This is just a random set of things that I've found on the web and in my email that amused me enough that I had to keep them. Enjoy!
This one's been around a while and just feels so true...
Sat, 10/28/2006 10:24am
From JJ5's web site.
Wed, 10/18/2006 11:08am (what a thing to see so early in the morning...)
From left to right, Ted Neward, Rocky Lhotka, Chris Sells's cardboard cutout
and his electronic image projected to building 33 in Redmond, WA from Lake
Oswego, Oregon, Patrick Cauldwell and Scott Hanselman.
From Keith Pleas, Microsoft Patterns & Practices "Open Source in the
Enterprise" panel organizer
Wed, 10/11/2006 6pm
Posted without permission after reading
it in
today's paper
Sun 10/01/2006 3:01pm
Private email forwarded by Adam Denning
Fri 11/11/2005 12:55 PM
Discuss
My #2 son, Tom, is apparently
on the road to
independent consulting... Mama's, don't let your babies grow up to be
computer boys...
P.S. I do not dress my children and, in this case, I don't know how he even
ended up with this shirt...
Chris Sells
cell phone picture
Tue 3/1/2005 8:20 AM
Discuss
On the left, you see Lt. Uhura with her wireless Bluetooth headset (although
I'm not sure of the made and model). On the right, you see me with mine (the
Nextlink Bluespoon AX). I've waited all my life to be as cool as the folks
on Star Trek and now it's finally happened! I'm ready for my replicator,
transporter, tricorder and Holodeck now...
Chris Sells
Tue 2/8/2005 11:31 AM
Discuss
To avoid intimidating people, I generally don't wear the tight shirts in
public, but Dax Pandhi
captures my hidden muscles perfectly! : )
Dax Pandhi
Personal Email
Saturday, February 05, 2005 10:24 AM
This is what Don Box's 12-year old son thought a good last minute costume
would be when trick-or-treating the Indigo halls of Microsoft suddenly seemed an
imperative. I guess this is the consequence of having a life-sized cardboard
cutout readily available...
Don Box
Personal Email
Tue 11/2/2004 6:12 PM
I decided to go a little meta for this year's XML DevCon:
10. Top 10 List of Top 10 List of Top 10 List Ideas (a little too meta�)
9. Top 10 Reasons that XAML Uses XML (Couldn�t figure out a good
representation of gradients in EDI)
8. Top 10 Secrets of the CLR (�Boxing� was almost called �Richtering�)
7. Top 10 Members of the XML Community Least Likely To Fit In At Burning Man
(I don't want to see Doug Purdy showing up at the ice tent in his thong...)
6. Top 10 Members of the XML Community Most Likely To Fit In At Burning Man
(Wasn�t Rory born at Burning Man?)
5. Top 10 Similarities Between Team America Characters and XML Community Members
(XML: Heck yeah!)
4. Top 10 Reasons That Raw XML Programmers Exhibit More Animal Magnetism
Than, Well, Anyone Else� (Tim Ewald is really all the evidence we need...)
3. Top 10 New Enterprise Features in Visual Studio Orcas (Clippy: �It looks like
you�re designing an insurance agency schema. Can I help you with that?�)
2. Top 10 Reasons Democrats Are More Likely To Be XML Programmers Than
Republicans (89% of the angle brackets should not go to the top 1% of
programmers!)
1. Top 10 Reasons That The Red Sox Are Going To Kick Butt! (Just pandering to
the crowd...)
Chris Sells (with help from Scott Hanselman, Tim Ewald, Matt Powell and
Scott Bloom)
Applied XML Developer's Conference
Friday, October 20th, 2005
(I
couldn't possibly explain. Click the picture...)
Rory Blyth
Saturday, October 09, 2004 12:50 AM
www.Neopolean.com
Click here for the full story.
Chris Sells
Sunday, Sep 12, 2004
Discuss
I've spent the last 8 months driving me wife to get rid of a ton of her stuff
so that we could use more than the front 2 inches of every drawer, cupboard and
closet in the house (of course, it's her stuff that I find to be extraneous : ).
Yesterday, while she was on her 2nd night of working 3 12-hour night shifts in a
row, I sent her the following email (yes, that's just the kind of nerd
that I am):
From:
Chris Sells [mailto:csells@sellsbrothers.com]
Sent: Thursday, August
19, 2004 10:51 AM
To: 'Melissa Sells'
Subject: Moving the
shiny stuff above the frig?
Melissa, can I move the stuff above the
frig that we never use into the attic?
The "shiny" stuff above the fridge is all kinds of silver and pewter that we
never, ever use but must keep because someone in one of our
families looked at it once a long time ago. Plus, who knows, the Pope could
visit to try to convert us back. This was her complete reply after 25 hours of
work, 6 hours of commute and 6 hours of sleep over 2 days:
From: Melissa
Sells [mailto:msells@sellsbrothers.com]
Sent: Friday, August 20, 2004 8:27 AM
To: 'Chris Sells'
Subject: RE: Moving the shiny stuff above the frig?
Is there
something that you feel you need to put above the fridge? Are you planning
on letting a midget live up there? Because I think that if you are going to
let a midget live in the house, they have a right to have a room with a
window or something. In that case, you should have them move into the
cupboard under the counter in the laundry room and we can knock out a space
for a window. It would also be a lot easier for them to get to without
having to rig up some sort of ladder, as that would just take up more of
your precious space. On the other hand, living above the fridge would give
them easy access to the food, and we could have a string with a roll up
ladder rigging. Although having easier access to the fridge may make them
over eat and they may get wedged up in the space over the fridge, be unable
to escape and then we will have to explain why we have that strange odor in
the kitchen.
Is there any doubt why I love her? : )
Chris Sells
Posted: Friday, August 20, 2004 11:27am
Personal Email
Discuss
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." --Groucho Marx
Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
Discuss
If you ignore Rory on IM, you get fun stuff like this:
Rory [Shut up] says:
Hey - are you really away, or
are you faking it so that people like me won't write to you?
Rory [Shut up] says:
Well. I guess you're really
away.
Rory [Shut up] writes:
Rory [Shut up] writes:
Rory [Shut up] writes:
Rory [Shut up] writes:
Rory [Let's get stinky
together]] writes:
Rory Blyth
Saturday, August 7, 2004 6:11 PM
Windows Technology Off Topic mailing list
sttto Milkshake by Kelis
My web log brings all the nerds to the yard,
and I'm like: "mine's better than yours".
Damn right, it's better than yours!
I can link you, but I have to charge!
My web log brings all the nerds to the yard,
and I'm like: "mine's better than yours".
Damn right, it's better than yours!
I can link you, but I have to charge!
I know you want it;
the thing that makes me,
what the geeks go crazy for.
They lose their minds..
the way I whine.
I think it's time:
la la, la, la, lah
Post it up.
la la, la, la, lah
The geeks are waiting.
la la, la, la, lah
Post it up.
la la, la, la, lah
The geeks are waiting.
My web log brings all the nerds to the yard,
and I'm like: "mine's better than yours".
Damn right, it's better than yours!
I can link you, but I have to charge!
My web log brings all the nerds to the yard,
and I'm like: "mine's better than yours".
Damn right, it's better than yours!
I can link you, but I have to charge!
I can see you're on it.
You want me to teach thee,
techniques that freaks these boys.
It can't be bought;
it's just my marketing wrought.
(Track-back if you're smart)
la la, la, la, lah
Post it up.
la la, la, la, lah
The geeks are waiting.
la la, la, la, lah
Post it up.
la la, la, la, lah
The geeks are waiting.
My web log brings all the nerds to the yard,
and I'm like: "mine's better than yours".
Damn right, it's better than yours!
I can link you, but I have to charge!
My web log brings all the nerds to the yard,
and I'm like: "mine's better than yours".
Damn right, it's better than yours!
I can link you, but I have to charge!
Oh once you get involved,
everyone will look this way, so,
you must maintain your charm;
same time maintain your click-through,
just get the perfect link.
Feed what you have within;
RSS is cheaper than ink.
The geeks pick up your scent.
la la, la, la, lah
Post it up.
la la, la, la, lah
The geeks are waiting.
la la, la, la, lah
Post it up.
la la, la, la, lah
The geeks are waiting.
My web log brings all the nerds to the yard,
and I'm like: "mine's better than yours".
Damn right, it's better than yours!
I can link you, but I have to charge!
My web log brings all the nerds to the yard,
and I'm like: "mine's better than yours".
Damn right, it's better than yours!
I can link you, but I have to charge!
John
Elliot
Sent: Monday, June 14, 2004 3:15 PM
Windows Technology Off Topic mailing list
Don "XML" worked a
little PhotoShop magic on a poster for a movie that I loved growing up (it was
one of two record albums I had and I listened to it over and over and over):
Don "XML" Demsak
DonXML Demsak's Grok This
Thursday, March 04, 2004 7:35 PM
Eric Sink claims to be
the ".NET
Redneck," complete with cardboard cutout:
Shawn Morrissey [shawnmor @ microsoft.com]
Taken at Gnomedex
July 15th, 2003
Alan Cooper's 14-year old son rapping about his Dad.
Marty Cooper [marty @ cooper.name]
Stolen on 7/13/03 from Alan's USB hard drive when he mistakenly put it into my
computer
10. WS-IrishSpring: for scented, more pleasing SOAP packets
9. WS-UPS: for sending SOAP packets in real envelopes
8. WS-USPS: for sending SOAP packets that don�t need to get there
7. WS-PrisonShower: for picking up the dropped SOAP packets
6. X-Wife: protocol for monetary transfer
5. WS-Insecurity: dating protocol for web services programmers
4. WS-Monopoly: protocol used to keep antitrust penalties to manageable
levels
3. NICKLE: for encoding smaller binary attachments
2. SFFCI: Syndication Format for Complete Idiots
1. WS-XXX: bringing a business model to XML, e.g.
<xxx:image
xmlns:xxx="uri://hustler.com/2003/oohlala">
<xxx:setting>the
storeroom</xxx:setting>
<xxx:model
gender="female"
tattoo="skull"
/>
<xxx:model
gender="male"
moustache="true"
/>
<xxx:pose>saucy</xxx:pose>
</xxx:image>
Chris Sells, Jason Whittington, Tim Ewald, Becky Dias & Brian Jepson
Presented at the Applied XML Developer's Conference West 2003
July 10th, 2003
This is a recipe that I sent in for the O'Reilly title "Gastronomy for
Geeks". It was handed down to me by my grandfather at our cabin on the lake. He
was into manly food that sticks to your rips and left the more delicate dishes
to my grandmother.
Ingredients
- 1 15oz can of cream-style corn
- 1 15oz can of non-cream-style corn (drained)
- 2 cups of crushed saltine crackers (although other crackers and even
potato chips work well)
- 3 eggs
- 1 cup of milk (scant)
- 1 tablespoon of butter or margarine
Number of Servings
- 9 normal human servings or
- 3 hungry developer servings
Directions
- Grease 7" cake pan (or nearest equivalent, Grandpa wasn't picky)
- Mix cream-style and drained non-cream-style corn together in mixing bowl
- Spread 1/2 of the corn along the bottom of the cake pan
- Spread 1/2 of the crackers over the layer of corn
Repeat for one more layer of corn and crackers
- Beat eggs and milk together for 2 minutes in a mixing bowl (preferably
the corn mixing bowl, which should now be empty, to save on dishes that need
washing)
- Put egg/milk mixture over the layers of corn and crackers, using a fork
to poke holes in the layers to allow egg/milk mixture to seep into all
crevices
- Drop button (or margarine) in dots over the top
- Bake at 350 for one hour or until top is golden brown
- Bake at 200 for 30 more minutes for rustic Grandpa goodness
- Let cool for as long as you can stand to wait, cut into pleasing shapes
and serve
Chris Sells
Submitted for O'Reilly's "Gastronomy for Geeks"
Tue 3/4/2003 8:44 AM
Brad Abrams
make Jeffrey Richter and me stand in front our of
"software legend"
stand-up cut outs yesterday so that he could take a picture. I've already gotten
crap from my new team at MS for being one of these guys. I assume it's the shock
and awe... : )
Brad Abrams
Tue 4/22/2003 10:09 PM
Here's the SellsBrothers Beaverton Area Little League team looking very serious. Notice the SellsBrothers logo on the hats. Having your own company definitely has it's perks. : )
Here's the SellsBrothers team looking more natural.
Beaverton, OR
Saturday, April 12, 2003
It all started with a bet that my new marketing guy could meet his promised numbers by a certain date. Figure 1 shows me reading his results report at VSLive 2003. Figure 2 shows the audience deciding if that was good enough. Figure 3 shows him taking a pie in the face as revenge by engineers for the missed promises of marketing guys everywhere.
Figure 1: Reading the marketing results report to the audience
Figure 2: The audience deciding whether the marketing guy had lived up to his promises
Figure 3: The marketing guy and his just desserts
VSLive 2003
Feb 13th, 4:30pm
People often ask what is meant by Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
- You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say," Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." that's Telemarketing.
- You're at a party and see a handsome man. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," And reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
- You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
- You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You talk her into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
- Your friend can't satisfy her so he calls you. That's Technical Service.
- You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be gorgeous women in all the houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated in the middle and shout at the top of your voice, "I'm fantastic in bed!". That's Spam.
- You hear about women like this but never meet one. That's False Advertising.
Created by unknown
Contributed by Asaf Shelly
Thu 2/13/2003 6:50 AM
Chris took the quiz and was pretty darn happy with the results, because at at least he's not Windows ME...
Which OS are You?
1/15/2003
Stu Halloway, conference speaker, respected author of Component Development for the Java Platform as well as many 5-day short courses and CTO of DevelopMentor, pronounces his name like this (I found it hard to believe myself...)
11/15/2002
Starts on October 21st and runs for several days. Hits home.
10/25/2002
- You start using URIs to address real envelopes while paying the bills
- You use XPath to refer to family members
- You can't understand why nobody thinks that SOAP is "simple" anymore
- You try to determine what portTypes your spouse exposes
- You don't have any trouble expanding �BPL4WS�
- You prefer to write code to find something on Google
- You ask for vanilla instead of �doc/lit�
- You purchase the "Infoset" license plate for your car
- You challenge people to say "UDDI's UUIDs" 10 times fast
- You no longer see the angle brackets, "just blond, brunette, redhead"
Reasons from Aaron Skonnard, Tim Ewald and Chris Sells
Presented at the Web Services DevCon East
Thu 10/10/2002, 8:55am
Check out the coding contest winning entries here.
9/15/2002
sttto Centerfold by J. Geils Band (http://www.80smusiclyrics.com/artists/jgeilsband.htm)
Yes, he walks, yes, he talks!
He'll be your Code Complete!
That ATL instructor
Sure could put 'em in the seats.
He could teach like no one else
No one could ever stain
The memory of that DM guy
Could never cause me pain
Years go by, I'm lookin' through a codin' magazine
And there's my DM buddy on the pages in between!
CHORUS:
My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
Instructor is the centerfold,
Chris Sells is the centerfold
(Repeat)
Shipped me code 'bout ActiveX,
While I was thinkin' about GenX
IUnknown, IDispatch,
He could teach 'em all
I was shakin' in my shoes
Whenever he flashed those baby-blues
Something had a hold on me
Whenever Chris passed by
That book and cool code samples
Too magical to touch
To see him in that photograph,
Is really just too much!
CHORUS
It's okay I understand
This ain't no never never land
I hope that when this issue's gone
This memory will TOO be gone
Take your car, yes we will
We'll take your car and drive it
We'll take it to a motel room
And leave you there, in private!
A part of me has just been ripped
The pages from my mind are stripped
Oh no, I can't deny it
Oh yea, guess I gotta try it!
CHORUS
Copyright (c) 2002 Anonymous. :-)
Ted Neward [tneward@JAVAGEEKS.COM]
private mailing list
Tue 7/30/2002 2:06 AM
My friend and fellow DevelopMentor instructor, Craig Andera, is not only enormously dedicated, but is very interested in pushing the envelope on post-dot-bomb advertising space. When he heard that he could make money on each "hit," Craig started spending a lot of time in bars and other seedy areas around town.
Craig Andera [candera@ALUM.MIT.EDU]
Thu 7/11/2002 7:53 AM
internal mailing list
sttto "Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys" by Willie Nelson
Chorus:
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be computer boys
Don't let them keyboard and drink at Starbucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be computer boys
They'll always stay home and they're always alone
Hackin' is all that they'll love
Computer boys ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold
And they'd rather give you some code than diamonds or gold
Star Trek communicators and pocket protectors
And each night begins a new day
And if you don't understand him and he don't ignore you
He'll be addicted to porn
Chorus
A computer boy loves shiny new gadgets and four-donut mornings
High-speed connections and trackballs and NeverWinter Nights
Them that don't know him won't like him and them that do
Sometimes won't know how to take him
He's not wrong he's just different and his brain won't let him
Do things to make you think he's right
Chorus
Chris Sells [csells@sellsbrothers.com]
win_tech_off_topic@yahoogroups.com
Wed 5/22/2002 10:55 AM
First, the poem itself (there are many versions, this is just one):
<> ! * ' ' #
^ " ` $ $ -
! * = @ $ _
% * <> ~ # 4
& [ ] . . /
| { , , system halted
In English, this reads:
waka waka bang splat tick tick hash
caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash
bang splat equal at dollar under-score
percent splat waka waka tilda number four
ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash
vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma crash
Serdar Kilic
win_tech_off_topic@yahoogroups.com
Sat 5/18/2002 6:32 PM
Chandu Thota
Fri 5/10/2002 10:31 AM
2/10/2002
Ron Neely sends his favorites:
2/8/2002
Chris Sells
8:02pm, Feb 2nd, 2002
If you like Tetris and you've got .NET installed, check out Wahoo.
1/15/2002
Grandma says that all US Sells are related from the original Sells that came across on the boat after the May Flower.
My father pointed out that my boys are not, in fact, the original Sells Brothers (and that we must be related, as the originals have his haircut).
12/31/2001
TimT said:
od oy dp,ryjomh ;olr yjodz
http://website.lineone.net/~ajhoughton/WinPager.html
[d. dpttu. gomhrtd pm yjr etpmh lrud
//yo,
SerdarK said:
Is that Elfish?
ShawnV said:
I think it *is* elvish... let me put my laptop in the fire. Ah yes, I can read it clearly now:
One Desktop to rule them all, One Desktop to find them
One Desktop to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them
in the land of Redmond, where the shadows lie
Off Topic mailing list
Sat 12/29/2001 7:14 PM
Sung to "Shaft" by Isaac Hayes <http://www.shaft-themovie.com/soundtrack/track01.mp3>
Who's the man with tongue-in-cheek
that's a code machine to all the geeks?
(Box!)
You're damn right.
Who is the man
that would replace COM for its brother runtime?
(Box!)
Can ya dig it?
Who's the cat that won't cop out
when there's IDispatch all about
(Box!)
Right on
You see this cat Box is a bad mother--
(Shut your mouth)
But I'm talkin' about Box
(Then we can dig it)
He's a complicated man
but no one understands him but his pointers
(Don Box)
John Bristowe
Wed 12/19/2001 2:02 PM
dotnet discussion [DOTNET@DISCUSS.DEVELOP.COM]
A friend of mine stumbled over this in the Microsoft source code:
// Function: RunCommandEx
// Synopsis: runs the given command in the current session, more robust
// than RunCommand
// Arguments: none
// Returns: S_OK if success
// History: October 3, 2000 - created [name withheld to protect the guilty]
HRESULT RunCommandEx(LPCWSTR szCmdLine) {
DWORD dwTry = 0;
HRESULT hResult = S_OK;
// try run command 3 times at most
while (dwTry<4) {
hResult = RunCommand(szCmdLine);
if (hResult!=E_FAIL) {
// we succeeded
break;
}
dwTry++;
}
if (dwTry==4) {
ATLTRACE(L"COuld start the command even we tried 4 times\n");
ASSERT(FALSE);
}
return hResult;
}That's not quite my definition of robust, but oh well...
Tue 11/27/2001 3:52 PM
"Steal this song right off my page." You can find it at http://www.ferncrk.com/jittin.html. Use only in well ventilated area. Do not expose to open flame.
Stuart Celarier
Tue 11/27/2001 3:41 PM
Made you look!
(if you don't know what I'm talking about, check here)
10/15/2001
10/7/2001
Think you know what Bill should be doing with his extra money? Add your suggestion to the list.
King of the Code
Sung to "King of the Road"
Platform for sale or rent
who cares where all the others went
no more pointer, pushes, pops or peaks
I ain't got no memory leaks
I wrote ten lines of C# today
I was more productive than yesterday
I'm a programmer of mean by no means
I'm a king of the code
I feel sorry for those guys at Sun
DOTNET has got them on the run
But when I hear Scott McNeally whine
I say stick your VM where the Sun don't shine
Most folks agree VB DOT NET
Is the best version of Java that we've seen yet
I'm a programmer of mean by no means
I'm a king of the code
You C guys think all this stuff is new
A friendly runtime that hides the goo
I'm a VB guy, better watch out for me
'cause I've been writing managed code since 93
Database code's busted -- no time to cry
Patch it all to the newest API
I'm a programmer of mean by no means
I'm a king of the code
New waves they come and go so fast
COM was love, but love don't last
If COM was love than what's DOTNET
It's love without the cigarette
DOTNET will be here till we all get bored
Then we'll throw it away and invent DOT-ORG
I'm a programmer of mean by no means
I'm a king of the code
Wild Side
Bill G came from Seattle WA
Spread .NET across the USA
Plucked out pointers on the way
Shaved ref counting - started sporting GC
He said Hey babe take a walk on the wild side
Hey babe take a walk on the wild side
Chris Sells never once threw one away
In the end, he had to pay and pay
An object here, and object there
Memory is the place where they say
Hey Chrissie, take a walk on the wild side
I say hey babe, let's going back home and finalize
And the .NET girls go
Do do do do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do do do
doooooooooooooooo ah
<break>The musical stylings of Francesco Balena</break>
Jon Flanders came from out of the heartland
With ASP he's was everybody's darling
But he never lost his head
Even when they told him COM was dead
I said hey Jon, take a walk on the wild side
I believe they call it Interop-O-cide
Brian Randell came and hit the streets
Hoping .NET would bring inter-language peace
He hates it when those bigots say
C#'s for work, VB's for play
I say hey Brian, take a walk on the wild side
It's curly braces that make your code bonafide
My friend Don Box, he's just coding away
Though he was James Joyce for a day
Yeah I guess Don's pretty smart
But he mistakes his code for art
I say Hey Don, take a walk on the wild side
You're just a liquor salesman, it can't be denied
And the .NET girls go ....
And the .NET girls go
Do do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do do
Bill G and the Feds
Sung to "Bennie and the Jets"
Hey kids - you wanna see a scene-o
Let's watch Billy Gates get it on with Janet Reno
We're talking anti-trust now - so stick around
Gonna rack legal bills that know no bound
Hey Joel Kline he's on the case
Oh man he's so spaced out
B-B-B-Bill G and the Feds
Billy he's so silly and litigical
The center of a courtroom scene
He's got those Harvard roots, class action suits
You know I read it in a magazine - oh yea
B-B-B-Bill G and the Feds
Hey kids, go crank up your browsers
You're in for nasty weather, gonna make you wet your trousers We're
gonna stifle competition with such as sense of ease Gonna bring those
bastards from Netscape down to their knees Hey Judge Jackson, have you
heard this case Oh man, his ruling was so spaced out
B-B-B-Bill G and the Feds
Billy he's so silly and litigical
The center of a courtroom seen
He's got those Harvard roots, class action suits
You know I read it in a magazine - oh yea
B-B-B-Bill G and the Feds
Bill G, Bill G, Bill G, Bill G and the Feds...
Bill G, Bill G, Bill G, Bill G and the Feds...
DevelopMentor's Conference.NET
Sung by the .NET Band on the Runtime
August 15, 2001
Chris riding The Incredible Hulk roller coaster in FLA in 2000. Notice the "COM is Love" t-shirt. I really wanted to say something funny or ironic in the title of this picture, but words failed me. Got one?
Dia Hamilton said: "so this is love" (which immediately made me think of
"What is Love?" and laugh)
8/15/2001
TechEd Barcellona, Spain
8/15/2001
- Your weekly beach volley ball matches are between teams named 'Proxies' and 'Stubs'.
- You read 'ATL Internals' while waiting in line for the next ride at Universal studios
- You are locked outside your house without your keys and the sticky note at the door reads 'CoLockObjectExternal' when your wife gets back.
- You ask your bank if they can send your monthly balance statements in XML format.
- You return your neighbor's telephone call saying it was an interapartment callback.
- You ask your cable television company if they support Channel Hooks.
- You decide to do some detective work by night and call yourself the IMallocSpy.
- Your kid asks you what a female Ox is called and you reply �OXID�.
Aravind Corera
Originally written for IDevResource
Private Email
Sun 8/5/2001 3:20 AM
7/15/2001
A programmer who coded in C
decided he hated GC.
"It's bogus" he said,
"I keep track in my head -
and always remember to free!"
Jason Whittington [[jasonw@develop.com]
Private Email
Mon 6/18/2001 3:50 PM
A parody of Eddy Poe's "The Raven"
Once upon a platform tired, while my code was stranded, mired in a pool of leaky pointers running up the mem'ry load, while I started to debug it, suddenly I screamed "Oh f*** it!", and decided to just chuck it in the hallway guest commode.
Then discovered: managed code.
Ah, distinctly I remember, bugs caused by a private member, and later having to call AddRefs and Releases by the busload, These things, they fill me with regret, time wasted on pointer management, Now, simply Fire And Forget! Oh the freedom newly bestowed!
Thank you, thank you, managed code.
Of course the bloat is sometimes scary, and IL can be kind of hairy, And there's this Tower of Babel thing that is threat'ning to explode. I mean, Perl and Python and Eiffel and all the scripting langs are just a ball but please, for God's sake, NOT COBOL! Java, even, but not THAT toad,
running in my managed code.
I traded in my GIT and SCM, my registry (which was kind of dumb) and in return I got C# and the CLR, my new abode. And VS7, though often crashing, as a tool is really smashing. I shan't bore you by rehashing the gifts .NET has bestowed.
Just be grateful: managed code.
Justin Gehtland [[justin@DEVELOP.COM]
brains@develop.com
Thu 6/14/2001 9:06 PM
Read all about it...
Rohit Khare
Posted There: Fri, Aug 2, 1996 20:27:42 -0400
Posted Here: 6/1/2001
I spoke at a college last week for a friend of mine who's an adjunct professor (Cal Caldwell). During the talk, one of the male attendees bolted <sigh>, but on his way out, trusted sources say that, when sighting a young coed whom our our bolter was clearly interested in engaging with in some way, he said, "Hey! Do you know who's in there? Chris Sells!" Clearly this young man was misguided in his attempt, but I'm glad to hear that someone thinks that using my name will help in attracting members of the opposite sex. It's never worked for me... : )
4/15/2001
In Japan, it is said, the impersonal and sometimes unhelpful Microsoft error messages have been replaced with Japanese haiku poetry. Maybe in the next upgrade to our Windows...
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.
Aborted effort.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No-one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
I ate your Web page.
Forgive me; it was tasty
And tart on my tongue.
First snow then silence
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
See how in Haiku
All error messages are
Somehow more peaceful
Richard Blewett
Ian Griffiths
George Shepherd
Internal Mailing List
Wed 2/28/2001
WARNING: Do not follow this link if you don't want to see me naked!
8/15/2001
Portland, OR, August 8, 2000 According to an article appearing in tomorrow's Wall Street Journal, DevelopMentor has developed a new technology for creating software applications. Attached is a photo of this technology in beta test at DevelopMentor's Portland Satellite office. DevelopMentor's device is attached to a user and using the latest LFM technology it auto-generates complete software applications. Evil Genius, Chris Sells, DevelopMentor's Senior Programmer, co-invented the technology with their Security Guru, the Prince of Darkness Keith Brown. Says Sells; "[our] new technology holds great promise for future generations of code warriors."
Cal Caldwell
Private Email
Tue 8/8/2000 10:26 AM
Dear MFC::CString
You were such a beautiful thing
I miss you so much
CComBSTR is painful to touch
WTL may restore my churning (out string manipulating code).
Phil Beck
Tue 11/21/2000 9:12 AM
ATL Mailing List
There is no vacation when I am doing COM.
Some go through very well, but stuck are some.
I don't go to parties, so I feel I am IUnknown.
People talking to me, those days are gone.
Brother has a complaint, that I don't callback.
Which kind of apartment he has, I don't check
Everyone stares me through those windows.
I live in ATL* and that is what I chose.
*(short for Atlanta)
Sandeep
Chawla
Fri 8/25/2000 7:53 AM
Private Email
Jeff Smith
Thu 2/10/2000 12:07 AM
Private Mail
- The family pet dies. The best explanation you can give the children is "Fluffy's reference count finally reached zero."
- You've mailed more than three written petitions to the city council of Enumclaw, Washington requesting that the town prefix its name with an 'I'.
- Your wife has a rather irritating habit of QI'ing you for IMowsTheLawn, despite the fact that for years you've been returning everything from E_NOINTERFACE to RPC_S_SERVER_TOO_BUSY.
- The best thing about the new generation of wireless internet devices is that you will be able to receive the DCOM and ATL mailing lists from almost anywhere.
- Part of your IPO research strategy involves calling the company's engineering manager on the phone and demanding a detailed explanation of apartments and threading.
- The party you threw to celebrate the introduction of asynchronous RPC calls in Windows 2000 was significantly more expensive than your wedding reception.
- Last Summer's family vacation to Redmond, Washington.
- All those emails you've sent to Chris Sells trying to convince him that "ATL Internals" would make a really great movie.
- Although it is humorous, there are a couple of items in the "Signs you've hired the wrong COM developer..." list that you can't help but view as personally insulting.
- On your laptop there exists a half-completed manuscript entitled "The Tao of COM".
- You refer to your Social Security Number as your GUID.
Tony Toivonen
Mon 3/13/2000 4:14 PM
DCOM Mailing List
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Russ Huffman [mailto:russ@DEVAUTHORITY.COM]
> Sent: Thursday, January 20, 2000 8:39 AM
> To: ATL@DISCUSS.MICROSOFT.COM
>
> Don't we already have a "bunch of programmers who have no
> idea about how the underlying systems work"? I think they
> are called VB programmers... ;)
I hate to break this to you, but I've met a lot of VB programmers trapped in the body of a C++ programmer. Unfortunately, many development shops place a lot of peer pressure on people to reject their yearnings to stop using semicolons and memory allocators. It's sad, but VB programmers today are where US Blacks were in the 30's and gays were in the 50's. We have yet to see the "Rosa Parks" or "Stonewall Riots" for VB programmers.
BTW, I have been preparing a keynote address in case I am ever asked to keynote a VB-friendly conference. If you want to look at a draft, go to http://www.develop.com/dbox/dream.htm [ed: MLK's "I have a dream" set to VB music]
...I have been to VB7. I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you...
DB
PS: Last time I checked, all programmers have selective ignorance. I know nothing about 3D graphics. I know a lot about COM. VB gets under people's skin because one can be ignorant of computer architecture and ASM and still
get a lot done.
Don Box
Thu 1/20/2000 8:38 PM
ATL Mailing List
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one:
Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore.
With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light --
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core. I
saw the screen collapse and die "Oh no -- my database", I cried I
thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data Nevermore."
To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity, well
I fear that it goes straight to hell
And that's the tale I have to tell
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.
Anon
12/1/1999
Built using online Lite-Brite.
Jason Whittington
Mon 10/25/1999 2:55 PM
Private DevelopMentor Mailing List
(sung to the tune of "Spirit of the Radio" (Rush, "Permanent waves"))
Words (c) Jason Whittington, 1999
Begin the day with a simple call,
A function unobtrusive
Loads the module that's so elusive
And a matching context means no marshal goo
Off on your way from the factory
Interfaces at your fingers
QueryInterface gets to you a new one
Just Release the pointer when your object's through
Transactional objects crackle with life
While they Service SOAP calls from some ASP
Giving their feedback on the final outcome
Making a call to Abort or Set Complete
All this machinery so that you can use it
Is still quite closely guarded
CreateInstance will get you a new object from the factory
(yeah the factory)
One likes to believe that it's easy to use it,
But the threading models and getting pointers marshaled
shatters the illusion of transparency
the CLSID to marshal was requested by the S-C-M...
F-T-M!
Cookies, From the GIT
For Safety! Ohhhh....For Safe-ty!
Jason Whittington
Wed 10/6/1999 5:32 PM
Private DevelopMentor Mailing List
I just like the idea of a computer singing... If you've seen 2001, you'll recognize the tune.
"Computers let you make more mistakes than any other invention in history. With the possible exception of handguns and Tequila" -Mitch Radcliffe
Joe O'Leary
JOLeary@ARTISOFT.COM
Thu 7/29/1999 5:11 PM
ATL Mailing List
10. They have� Who�s cooler, Captain Kirk or Captain Picard?
10. We have� Who�s cooler, Jim Springfield or Christian Beaumont?
9. They have� teleporters.
9. We have� IMarshalByValueImpl.
8. They have� Q, an all-powerful being at one with the Universe.
8. We have� Don Box.
7. They have� Data, a logical being often confused by the illogical reactions of those around him.
7. We have� Chris Sells � �Why can�t you just rewrite all of your MFC code?�
6. They have� The Computer, programmed to give canned responses to commonly asked questions.
6. We have� Keith Brown � �Check the Security FAQ.�
5. They have� Worf, a dark, imposing figure obsessed with security.
5. We have� Keith Brown.
4. They have� tight-fitting body suits.
4. We have� conference t-shirts too small for the �big-boned� programmer.
3. They have� Ensign �Jones,� the down-trodden crew member who always gets the worst of every encounter.
3. We have� MFC.
2. They have� the phaser, a weapon too dangerous for the untrained.
2. We have� the �Free Threaded Marshaler� checkbox.
1. They have� Klingons � brutish creatures constantly fighting against the common good.
1. We have� VB programmers.
Chris Sells
csells@sellsbrothers.com
Thu 6/24/1999 8:58am
ATL DevCon
// unk2k.idl - Win2K dev. tree limited to five-dot-three
typedef struct tagLARGE_GUID {
GUID hiGUID;
GUID loGUID;
} LARGE_GUID;
typedef const LARGE_GUID *LARGE_IID;
typedef hyper HRESULT64;
[ uuid(00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000000-C0000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000046),
pointer_default(unique, vlm_safe),
local
]
interface IUnknown2000
{
HRESULT64 QueryInterface([in] LARGE_IID * riid256,
[out, iid_is(riid256)] void **ppv);
unsigned hyper AddRef(void);
// Release is deprecated due to VLM support in NT6
}
[ uuid(00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000001-C0000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000046),
pointer_default(unique, vlm_safe)
]
interface IClassFactory2000 : IUnknown2000
{
// pUnkOuter deprecated due to lack of aggregation support in COM-tng
HRESULT64 CreateInstance([in] REFLARGE_GUID riid256,
[out, iid_is(riid256)] void **ppv);
// LockServer deprecated due to unlimited process count in NT6
}Don Box
dbox@develop.com
Thu, 3 Dec 1998 13:58:36
DCOM Mailing List
In ATL did Chris Beaumont
A stately macro wrap decree
Where threads free and apartment ran
(Class factories seen not by man)
To hide from busy programmers
Details from A to Z.
For those who know the guts of COM
Or read Sells/Rector's weighty tome:
AddRef, QI, or SysFreeString,
We write no code to do such things.
The templates, though daunting, give us support
To skip to matters of more import.
Why must we know the details, then?
Perhaps the wizard's all we need.
A monkey could code the middle tier
It's 3-2-1--discipline's optional here!
Our C plus world has been VB'd.
But soon after macros start to fly
The wizard-wielders return to cry:
--What happened to data on this thread?
--Is that a proxy, or direct instead?
They ignored the chance to know
Why GP faults now lay their code low.
Stuart Halloway
stu@develop.com
Wed 3/17/1999 6:23 PM
DCOM Mailing List
Would you, could you, dynamic_cast?
Not if I want my code to last.
Cast not via C++, because in COM we proxy must.
Else cross apartment my code will die,
I should have known to use QI.
If not now this thread does end,
More verses I will write and send.
Stuart Halloway
stu@develop.com
And because the thread was resurrected, dispite Stu's dire warning:
DO NOT MIX CASTS AND COM TYPE DISCOVERY
Would you, could you, dynamic_cast?
Not if I want my code to last.
Cast not via C++, because in COM we proxy must.
Else cross apartment my code will die,
I should have known to use QI.
I do not use dynamic cast-
It assumes a local C++ class!
More than that it assumes in fact,
With composition you'd still be whacked.
Nor would I cast back up the chain,
Tearoffs can make this shortcut vain.
All the casts are language features,
COM forbids the tricky creatures.
If type discovery is what you need,
ALWAYS ALWAYS USE QI!
and let me end this screed.
Stuart Halloway
stu@develop.com
Thu 4/8/1999 4:26 PM
DCOM Mailing List
Hickory Dickory Dock,
I forgot ATL's ObjectLock().
The threads (there were two),
made my data a stew,
While I stared at the output in shock!
Jason Whittington
jasonw@develop.com
5/4/1999
(sung to the tune of "Limelight" by Rush)
Writing QueryInterface
Approaches the unreal
For those who think and feel
In touch with some reality
Beyond the interface
Casting this to IUnknown
Won't work with MI
This code is really hacked
One must use a static_cast
To keep QI intact
Living the COM lifestyle
The universal dream
For a distributed team
Those who wish to be
Must focus on the integration
Get on with the distribution
The real intention
The underlying theme
Coding up some IDL
With help from Chris Sells
And writing Windows Shells
I can't believe that CORBA
Is a long-awaited friend
All the world's indeed the net
And we write all the objects
Programmers and deployers
Each another's client
Inside the Internet
Living the COM lifestyle
The universal dream
For a distributed team
Those who wish to be
Must focus on the integration
Get on with distribution
The real intention
The underlying theme
George Shepherd
georges@stingray.com
5/10/1999
I feel like singing (on the lines of Lennon's "Imagine"):
Imagine there's no MFC
its easy if you try
ATL all around us
The code would be so nice
Imagine all the developers living life in peace...
You may think I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one...
Dharma Shukla
iunknown2k@hotmail.com
Tue 5/18/1999 4:40 PM
Matt Pietrek posted a great x86 poem on his site that I just have to share.
[ed: I had a brush with fame recently at the WinDev West in September of '99. I was speaking right after Matt and as I was approaching the podium and Matt was still picking up his stuff, he said, "Hey, Chris. I wanted to talk to you about something." This completely blew me away. To me, Matt is one of the greats. As far as I'm concerned, he's right up there with Charles Petzold (the one person I've ever met with whom I was completely tongue-tied) and Don Box. And to think -- Matt actually knew who I was and wanted to talk to me about something! I knew that Matt dabbled in COM a little and I was preparing myself to answer some picky COM or ATL question, when he said, "You're the only one who's ever complained about the missing x86 poem link on my site. I have some other funny stuff you might want to post, too." Well, let's just say that I was a bit let down...]
5/1/1999
- IForAnEye
- IPeeFreely
- IAmSuperman
- IHaveNotYetBegunToFight
- IThinkThereforeIAm
Jason Bock
And as if that weren't enough, David Amphlett had this addition:
- ICaptain (said with a "Scotty" accent...)
- ISore (as in offensive to the eye)
- IPatch
And Chris Brawley send in this:
"A COM/ATL developer here was ordered by the project architect (an incidentally company co-owner) to create and interface with one method that would return a LONG value representing the "this" pointer in the COurApp object (names changed to protect the guilty). Check out the name that the developer gave the interface, knowing that it doomed a future developer (this is an Exe Server) to a meltdown when they try to use the pointer they get back on a remote machine when accessing the server OOP." // -------------------------------------------------------------
// IDontWannaDoThis: This is a temporary (hopefully) interface
// that is used to retrieve a this pointer to the COurApp
// singleton.
// -------------------------------------------------------------
[
object,
uuid(18BABEAE-ABC2-11D2-8A6F-0090270D84CA),
helpstring("IDontWannaDoThis Interface"),
pointer_default(unique)
]
interface IDontWannaDoThis : IUnknown
{
[id(1), helpstring("method GetThis")]
HRESULT GetThis([out, retval]LONG* pThis);
}
[ed: Can somebody ask Charlie Kindel to add this interface to OLEVIEW?]
And as if that weren't enough, John Connah queries: "Does pirated COM software support the IPatch interface?"
More from Phil Wilson:
| Bart Simpson | ICaramba |
| Jean Luc Picard | IICaptain |
| Shakespeare | IAmbic |
4/27/1999
Contributed by Liliya Yakupova:
Tommy Riddle had this to say: "Actually, real programmers don't need the enter key- they just type in 00001101."
4/19/1999
- Keeps referring to interfaces as "Thingies".
- Insists that migrating to NT5.0 is a bad idea because the going rate for a rental-threaded apartment is $640.00 a month plus utilities.
- Comes into work one morning dressed as a cowboy and claiming to be "The new marshaller in town".
- Wants to know how to tune his TV to the "RPC Channel".
- Stands up in design meetings, grabs his crotch, and proclaims "Yo! Marshall this! Am I right?".
- Names one of his interfaces "IKnown" and claims that any object that doesn't implement it is doomed to eventually fall victim to a "COM Identity Crisis".
- Spends 2 hours in front of a whiteboard trying to prove that by taking the integral of the GUID generating function, one can discern the total surface area of the application's UI in pixels.
- Pronounces GUID as "gooeey dee".
P.S.
Here's a picture of the t-shirt that Microsoft produced for their 1999 Dallas TechEd that leverages Tony's idea without giving him credit, asking him permission or even notifying him. You lawyers should be able to support you in your retirement with this one, Tony!
BTW, here's one more sign that you've hired the wrong COM programmer (do you think CAT scans will become a normal part of the interview process?):
Anthony Toivonen
Fri 4/16/99 1:07 PM
DCOM Mailing List
If the things on this page haven't been enough for you, check out Mr. Bunny's Guide to ActiveX.
4/15/1999
